


Thing we lost in the fire

by CoreBlooddrinker



Category: Metal Gear Solid
Genre: Angst, M/M, Ocelhira week 2018, Romance, maybe second chapter would end better, ocelhira
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-16
Updated: 2018-01-16
Packaged: 2019-03-05 10:48:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13386225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoreBlooddrinker/pseuds/CoreBlooddrinker
Summary: What you want and what you need, are two different things. Ocelot is starting to doubt about what he wanted all these years chasing and pleasing Snake when what he needed was in front of his eyes.This fic is for Ocelhira Week 2018/Prompt day one "What you need vs what you want"(Special thanks to yamaneko19xx  and SailorStarDust1 for helping me with grammatical correction)





	Thing we lost in the fire

Big Boss was (and it always will be) my life, the owner of my soul and I was happy to be useful to him. I was one of his guns, one of his most useful resources and I had accepted that, many years ago. But there was something bothering me for a while. Since Miller came back from his captivity, I was a little bit more inclined to behave like an annoying bastard, only when I was around him. Treating people badly became a hobby I acquired over the years, it was a rejuvenating sometimes. But it was different with him.

Working with Miller was a pain in the ass since the very beginning, but luckily I saw the man a few times during those nine years. All interactions between us were via encrypted calls, cassettes or letters. But I have to admit that sometimes (in those long distance phone calls), I was unconsciously wishing to see Miller's angry face when I was telling him things about John that he didn't know. Miller was easy to tease and it was fun in a twisted way. But that 'innocent' teasing slowly changed from harsh words to little touches. Still, to me this situation was nothing to worry about (yet), I didn't even realize the consequences that the treatment I was giving Miller would end badly for me and maybe for Miller, too.

That day had been a nightmare, although without any doubt I had two or three satisfactory moments during the day. Snake had an encounter in Afghanistan with the silent sniper and after a few hours in which I thought nerves were going to kill me (or kill Miller, who was worse than me), Snake managed to shoot down what turned out to be a woman with skills that would be very useful for us. Ahh, but the moment I savored the most of that fight was seeing that Snake would bring the new acquisition to our base, and witness the amazement and stupefaction in Miller's face when he realized that Snake's decision was breaking his heart again. It was a mixture of personal satisfaction and pleasure to know that I had been partly to blame for that, the hatred in Miller's eyes when he left the communications room was definitely my reward.

The arrangements to keep the captive protected were under my command. I didn't see either Snake or Miller for the rest of the day and assumed that the commander would be hiding, licking his wounds. It was night already when at last I could go out to breathe some air. The medical platform was silent and I greeted a couple of soldiers as I walked towards the back of the buildings, my lonely place at the base. But to my surprise there was a figure leaning on the railing and, with a smile (smirk) I approached. 

"If I knew you were expecting me, I would have come earlier", I said with a mellow voice while I leaned my back against the railing and looked at him.

A pair of faded white eyes turned towards me. Miller wasn't wearing his beret or glasses, his tie was loose and his jacket open. You could tell that Miller had an awful afternoon and I felt something strange in my stomach, a mixture of pleasure and anxiety, and something else I didn't know how to describe. There was Kazuhira Miller giving me all the hatred of his soul with a single glance and I felt proud to be the cause of that reaction. I loved being responsible for Miller's heart and soul breaking a little more that day, for me to be able to skillfully put all the pieces together, like fixing a broken mug. But strangely, I wanted that broken Miller for me (all mine); the imperfect Miller that could break and explode at the slightest provocation.

"The woman is in the cell, Snake’s with her." Oh yes, my words provoked the reaction I desired, the anger appeared in his eyes and, what was that? A growl, perhaps? But just as it had appeared, it was replaced by painful expression.

"What do you gain with this, Ocelot?"

His tone was measured, low and I didn't know very well how to answer. The woman was a weapon for us and if we learned to wield it, it would mean more power added to the fight against Skull Face. It was also a way to keep Miller away from Snake.  
"You should thank me, I’m giving you one more weapon to carry out your revenge". I moved closer to that frozen Miller, who no longer looked at me with hate but rather with pain. The relationship we had was a bit strange, we hated each other because we both seemed to compete for Snake's attention and yet we spent too much time together. Nights in which between strategy and information exchanged, we went on to talk like Adam and Kaz, leaving behind the disguise of interrogator and commander.

"I don't understand, he brought the enemy to our home, no matter what you said to him." Miller no longer looked at me, he seemed to have downplayed my involvement in the whole affair. "He didn't think about the danger that this woman represents, did he? This is our home, our family ... if something happens ... "

My eyes moved from the commander's anguished face to his hand, to his white knuckles, his hand was so tight against the railing that I felt the stupid need to massage each of the joints of that hand.

"I'll talk to Snake." I didn't know where that came from or why I said that, and besides, what was I going to talk to Snake about? Was I going to regret supporting him in bringing the sniper? To beg him to kill her, knowing that it was a new weapon in our favor? But my train of thought stopped when Miller turned to see me and I don't know if it was because of my tone of voice or perhaps it was so dark that I could no longer focus, but Miller seemed to smile at me. Was that sincerity and gratitude in his eyes? I must be hallucinating. Then, not knowing what made me react at that moment, I leaned forward until my face was an inch away from the face of the surprised commander. 

"My kindness comes with a price." I could feel some tension on his lips, only a few millimeters away from mine and I wondered what it would feel to bite them until they bled. "I don't work for free ... " I closed my mouth and felt the cold steel of the barrel of Kaz's gun, pressed hard between my ribs.

"I think you misunderstand..." With each of his words, tense and furious, the barrel of his gun pressed into my ribs more. I stayed still because I knew he was capable of shooting and at that moment it wasn't my wish to bleed to death because I knew that Miller would leave me there, to drown in my own blood. 

"There’s nobody other than Snake, don’t forget that." He pressed the barrel harder at the same time that I felt those words affecting me in a way that was not pleasant at all. He separated from me and put on his glasses. 

"Keep the woman on a leash or I will take care of her ..." His voice was affected, more than usual.

Finally, with those last words, he walked away, limping faster than usual as if escaping from me. His figure moved away until he merged in the darkness of the long corridor. I stayed there, thinking again. Why not me? Why couldn't I have that unconditional attention and admiration? Why couldn't I have his love?

It was clear in a way. I was needing something I couldn’t have and I was in front of something I wanted all my life, serving Snake. "Self-hypnosis to forget would do the trick." I said looking at the sea, it wouldn’t be the first time, after all, I’d use it to forget.


End file.
